Helping Kids Who Worry
It’s natural to want to protect your child when they’re struggling. If your child feels anxious about going to school, talking to new people, or sleeping alone, your instinct might be to step in and make it easier by:
Letting them stay home
Speaking for them in social situations
Lying down with them until they fall asleep
Doing these things helps to minimize distress by allowing kids to avoid the situation that makes them anxious. We call this behavior accommodation and, while it’s done with love, it can unintentionally keep anxiety going.
What Is Accommodation?
Accommodation happens when parents (or other caregivers) adjust their behavior to help a child avoid anxiety triggers. It might mean skipping events, offering constant reassurance, or allowing a child to escape uncomfortable situations.
Common Examples of Accommodation:
Answering repeated “what if” questions
Avoiding places or activities the child fears
Completing tasks the child is afraid to try
Allowing co-sleeping due to nighttime fears
Speaking for the child in social settings
Over time, though, these accommodations reinforce the belief that the child can’t handle the situation. If children don’t have the opportunity to do things that feel hard, then they don’t have the opportunity to learn that they can tolerate those feelings. When you rescue your child from an anxiety inducing situation they are left with the memory of the anxiety when it was at its peak rather than the memory of the anxiety subsiding.
What to Do Instead: Support Without Accommodating
The goal isn’t to stop helping, but rather to help in a way that encourages bravery and independence. When you see your child feeling anxious, first validate their feeling (e.g., I can see you’re feeling worried). We want them to know that it’s okay to be scared! After you validate, give them some encouragement to boost their confidence (e.g., You’ve done hard things before, so I know you can do this too). The goal is to be supportive and present but allow them the opportunity to tackle the hard situation on their own.
By reducing accommodations gently and intentionally, you’re giving your child one of the most powerful gifts: the belief that they are brave and capable.
Want to learn more about anxiety and parenting strategies that work? I specialize in helping kids and families break the cycle of anxiety with proven, supportive strategies.